Not Cut Out To Be A Blogger I Guess

     How crazy is it that it's July and my last post was in February?? I'm really bad at this. I have a journal that is next to my chair ...I write letters to Brian every few days. I guess that is where my focus has been. This is supposed to be a crafty type blog but I have not felt crafty in so very long. I have scrapbooks to finish...don't wanna. I have regular craft items to make...don't wanna. I have a craft room FULL of supplies and a guest room with a closet overflowing with supplies plus a heat press...don't wanna. I have a garage workshop for my wood/painting/stenciling stuff with all the wood for signs and boards...don't wanna. I have a section of the garage for refinishing furniture (and the furniture)...don't wanna. I'm not sure how to get my wanna back.
     I do have a garden again this year. Not too big but enough that I am able to freeze some veggies for the winter. I don't need much. Plus, I've been sharing with the kids and neighbors. Everybody seems to like fresh grown tomatoes.
     I've been doing a lot with my parents. They are elderly...and Covid-19. I learned how to do peritoneal dialysis for my dad. Really I'm just his backup. I take him to his appointments and I run most of their errands so they don't have to be out. They are both doing well and that is a blessing.
     I had a 62nd birthday party for Brian liked he asked me to. Cake, ice cream, and Glenlivit. We all sang happy birthday to him. It was sad/happy. I turned 60 in June. Went shopping with my oldest daughter and Mom. Sushi for lunch...then a surprise birthday party that they weren't supposed to do. It was all good, though. I have good kids. That's also a blessing.
   

Brian's 62nd Birthday

Lantern I made him for his birthday
(the paper has music notes)

My birthday cake!

Mom trying sushi for the first time!!

Almost Spring

   I am ready for this cold and rainy winter to be over. It snowed today. Craziness. Valentine's Day is behind me. I put artificial flowers in the vase from the roses Brian got for me last Valentine's Day. Not quite the same. My wonderful daughter, Aimee, made sure I had flowers and candy and a card. All the birthdays for February are over and next will be March birthdays. Brian's birthday...March 5th...granddaughter's birthday...March 5th. Also a grandson and niece birthday in March. And then the anniversary of Brian's death on March 22nd. I'm not sure how that will go. Brian asked me to still have a birthday party for him for a while after he was gone...how sad and sweet is that. I promised that he wouldn't be forgotten as long as there was breath in me. His last birthday was so terribly sad because we knew it was his last one...only 61 years old...so very unfair. He couldn't even have candles because of the oxygen he was on...so I used a battery tea light. 

   Some days I think I'm doing ok...most days I know that I'm not. I wonder if it ever gets better. Will there ever be a day that I look forward to getting out of bed. Most nights I dread going to bed because of the nightmares I have of not being able to find Brian anywhere. Everything I do is only because I have to. I have to do the laundry, the dishes, take out the trash, pay the bills, etc. I spend time with Mom and John because they need me to do things for them and take them places. I can't seem to stand being around people anymore for any length of time. I find reasons to leave any family event as soon as possible and I don't attend any other events at all. If it involves leaving the house, I have a really hard time doing it. That includes going to the store. I'm thinking that won't get better either.

  I've rearranged the guitars on the wall again. I am selling the last of the guitars (except, of course, the special ones). I added angel wings to Brian's electric guitar...it looks nice. 

Holiday Time...Is a Sad, Sad Time

     The holidays are here. Our 6th anniversary was Monday November 25th. Then it was Thanksgiving. Now it's Christmas...Brian's favorite. I never believed that our last anniversary and last Thanksgiving and last Christmas would actually be our very LAST of those. It's so very hard to wrap my head around. We will NEVER have any more memories. I'm trying to honor his memory and his wishes by celebrating those events. I cooked some stuff for Thanksgiving but I'll never have it at our house again. I put up a Christmas tree but I didn't decorate the house. I will eventually go through all the Christmas decorations and only keep the special ones. I'm not finding any joy in this festive season...I'm just trying to survive it.

     I have a journal that I write to Brian in. Like letters...maybe he's just far away on a trip somewhere. I tell him all the important things going on. It helps me.

     I found a little memory frame and cut out his picture from when he performed at the Christmas parade. He wore a Santa hat and a jingle bell necklace everywhere we went during  Christmas. And, of course I had to put garland around his urn. There is still garland in the kitchen and snowflakes hanging from the dining room ceiling that he put up last year. Can't bear to take them down.

I Have No Words

     I haven't been able to write anything regarding the horrible situation I find myself in. Brian fought SO VERY HARD to stay with me and be my love. Unbelievably, on March 22, 2019, on a beautiful Friday morning, my sweet husband breathed his last at 11:00 am. My heart and my mind cannot really comprehend the loss I feel. Brian did absolutely everything to fight this horrific disease. He tried another round of Keytruda but developed pneumonitis almost immediately. So he tried radiation...that was the thing that really made the cancer fight back...but it was the only treatment we could try.  Even with him feeling so very terrible, we went to Florida with brother and sister in law and to Franklin, NC to mine for rubies and sapphires. By Christmas he was on oxygen because the tumor had made his lung collapse. By Valentine's Day he couldn't really do much on his own. By his 61st birthday on March the 5th, he was in Hospice care. I didn't want him to be in the hospital for the end...so I insisted he come home. He stayed alert and talkative until the very end. He knew he was dying and kept a wonderful attitude and worried about everyone but himself. He was surrounded by people who love him...and we loved him right into Heaven. My heart is broken. I don't know how to go on...but I keep waking up every day. I tell him that he'll have to help me get through the day since he woke me up...but I'd rather die with him. My life is over.

First Treatment Behind Us!

   On August 27th Brian had the first treatment of Keytruda. This is his second round of immunotherapy. The first was Ipilimamab and Nivolumab. The first few days were a bit rough. Stomach issues, extreme tiredness, weakness, etc. This regimen is every 3 weeks so maybe he'll be able to recover in between times. CT scans every 3 months. Hopefully we will be able to travel! We have plans to meet Wayne and Pam in Florida in October. Then my Dad and Carol will be there for our second week!
   We were able to visit Gatlinburg and Cherokee, NC before treatments started. We went mining for rubies and sapphires! 

Brian's New Shirt!

LOOK!

Brian at the sluice

Beautiful travels!

Check them out on Facebook

My Toes Hurt!

So I can't let Brian have all the fun at the Dr.  I had hurt my left foot several years ago and damaged the nail bed but just ignored it. Then I hurt my right foot while redoing the deck. Both my big toes kept getting ingrown because of the damage. I was tired of it so went to a foot dr. He decided to remove both my toenails! He says it will give the nail beds time to heal and then hopefully grow back correctly. Meanwhile, this is what they looked like a few days post dr. YUCK!

 

Distraction

     We have been so numb about the news of cancer recurrence that we went to Bledsoe Creek State Park as a distraction. It was very hot so we sat at a picnic table and some deer came over! Brian offered her some crackers and she came closer and closer. Then her spring baby came closer with her newborn baby! Never saw that before! Check out these pictures!

Look how close she got!

Even the squirrel had to get involved!

Can you see both babies?

Full of crackers now... family headed home.