Holiday Time...Is a Sad, Sad Time

     The holidays are here. Our 6th anniversary was Monday November 25th. Then it was Thanksgiving. Now it's Christmas...Brian's favorite. I never believed that our last anniversary and last Thanksgiving and last Christmas would actually be our very LAST of those. It's so very hard to wrap my head around. We will NEVER have any more memories. I'm trying to honor his memory and his wishes by celebrating those events. I cooked some stuff for Thanksgiving but I'll never have it at our house again. I put up a Christmas tree but I didn't decorate the house. I will eventually go through all the Christmas decorations and only keep the special ones. I'm not finding any joy in this festive season...I'm just trying to survive it.

     I have a journal that I write to Brian in. Like letters...maybe he's just far away on a trip somewhere. I tell him all the important things going on. It helps me.

     I found a little memory frame and cut out his picture from when he performed at the Christmas parade. He wore a Santa hat and a jingle bell necklace everywhere we went during  Christmas. And, of course I had to put garland around his urn. There is still garland in the kitchen and snowflakes hanging from the dining room ceiling that he put up last year. Can't bear to take them down.

I Have No Words

     I haven't been able to write anything regarding the horrible situation I find myself in. Brian fought SO VERY HARD to stay with me and be my love. Unbelievably, on March 22, 2019, on a beautiful Friday morning, my sweet husband breathed his last at 11:00 am. My heart and my mind cannot really comprehend the loss I feel. Brian did absolutely everything to fight this horrific disease. He tried another round of Keytruda but developed pneumonitis almost immediately. So he tried radiation...that was the thing that really made the cancer fight back...but it was the only treatment we could try.  Even with him feeling so very terrible, we went to Florida with brother and sister in law and to Franklin, NC to mine for rubies and sapphires. By Christmas he was on oxygen because the tumor had made his lung collapse. By Valentine's Day he couldn't really do much on his own. By his 61st birthday on March the 5th, he was in Hospice care. I didn't want him to be in the hospital for the end...so I insisted he come home. He stayed alert and talkative until the very end. He knew he was dying and kept a wonderful attitude and worried about everyone but himself. He was surrounded by people who love him...and we loved him right into Heaven. My heart is broken. I don't know how to go on...but I keep waking up every day. I tell him that he'll have to help me get through the day since he woke me up...but I'd rather die with him. My life is over.

First Treatment Behind Us!

   On August 27th Brian had the first treatment of Keytruda. This is his second round of immunotherapy. The first was Ipilimamab and Nivolumab. The first few days were a bit rough. Stomach issues, extreme tiredness, weakness, etc. This regimen is every 3 weeks so maybe he'll be able to recover in between times. CT scans every 3 months. Hopefully we will be able to travel! We have plans to meet Wayne and Pam in Florida in October. Then my Dad and Carol will be there for our second week!
   We were able to visit Gatlinburg and Cherokee, NC before treatments started. We went mining for rubies and sapphires! 

Brian's New Shirt!

LOOK!

Brian at the sluice

Beautiful travels!

Check them out on Facebook

My Toes Hurt!

So I can't let Brian have all the fun at the Dr.  I had hurt my left foot several years ago and damaged the nail bed but just ignored it. Then I hurt my right foot while redoing the deck. Both my big toes kept getting ingrown because of the damage. I was tired of it so went to a foot dr. He decided to remove both my toenails! He says it will give the nail beds time to heal and then hopefully grow back correctly. Meanwhile, this is what they looked like a few days post dr. YUCK!

 

Distraction

     We have been so numb about the news of cancer recurrence that we went to Bledsoe Creek State Park as a distraction. It was very hot so we sat at a picnic table and some deer came over! Brian offered her some crackers and she came closer and closer. Then her spring baby came closer with her newborn baby! Never saw that before! Check out these pictures!

Look how close she got!

Even the squirrel had to get involved!

Can you see both babies?

Full of crackers now... family headed home.

Not The News We Wanted To Hear

     We have had a very relaxing summer. We have traveled to Arkansas and to Gatlinburg. We went crystal mining while in Arkansas and ruby and sapphire mining while in Gatlinburg. We actually traveled from Gatlinburg to Franklin, NC to do the mining. Then we came home to see the oncologist and have a CT scan.
     On Thursday August 9, 2018, we went to Vanderbilt's Ingram Cancer Center again. Brian had a CT scan at the hospital and then we went to see a new oncologist. Dr. Johnson is the head of the melanoma clinic at Vanderbilt. The news he shared was not horrible but great either. Another spot in his right lung...very small...but there. Advised us to come back in 3 months for another CT scan. We were OK with that even though we were hoping for no cancer at all. Then we got a message from Dr. Johnson on Friday. He had called Brian's cell phone several times and couldn't reach him. Of course, we called him right back. The news he shared was devastating to us. Brian has several spots of cancer in various places in his body. Dr. Johnson wants to start treatment again. He will agree to waiting 8 weeks but not more than that to repeat the CT scan and start treatment. We were supposed to call him back today (Monday the 13th) and conference about options. Brian couldn't make it happen...maybe tomorrow. I'm not sure what our options are right now. We are numb. Here is the CT report:

     Here are some pictures from our travels while we were blissfully unaware of any bad stuff.

Great guitar playing!

Brian and Miss Arkansas!

A ruby I found!

Brian finally met Santa Claus!

This big bear came to our hotel every night!

Great News!

Yesterday, May 9, 2018, we went for Brian’s surgical follow-up. We saw Dr. Lambright the thoracic surgeon. He was happy to tell us that he got all the cancer with clear margins! That means Brian does not have active melanoma in his lungs! We are not aware of any other areas of melanoma at this time!  Also, Brian’s lung function has recovered more than the Dr. expected! That will continue to improve over the next few months. It is like a reprieve for him right now. The hope is that the Nivolumab has changed his immune system enough that new melanoma won’t grow. We have to continue with periodic CT scans but Brian wants to wait until at least August for that. He has also requested a new oncologist and is set to meet Dr. Johnson in August. Right now the plan is to enjoy our freedom from the hospital for the summer! Please continue sending prayers his way.