Almost Spring

   I am ready for this cold and rainy winter to be over. It snowed today. Craziness. Valentine's Day is behind me. I put artificial flowers in the vase from the roses Brian got for me last Valentine's Day. Not quite the same. My wonderful daughter, Aimee, made sure I had flowers and candy and a card. All the birthdays for February are over and next will be March birthdays. Brian's birthday...March 5th...granddaughter's birthday...March 5th. Also a grandson and niece birthday in March. And then the anniversary of Brian's death on March 22nd. I'm not sure how that will go. Brian asked me to still have a birthday party for him for a while after he was gone...how sad and sweet is that. I promised that he wouldn't be forgotten as long as there was breath in me. His last birthday was so terribly sad because we knew it was his last one...only 61 years old...so very unfair. He couldn't even have candles because of the oxygen he was on...so I used a battery tea light. 

   Some days I think I'm doing ok...most days I know that I'm not. I wonder if it ever gets better. Will there ever be a day that I look forward to getting out of bed. Most nights I dread going to bed because of the nightmares I have of not being able to find Brian anywhere. Everything I do is only because I have to. I have to do the laundry, the dishes, take out the trash, pay the bills, etc. I spend time with Mom and John because they need me to do things for them and take them places. I can't seem to stand being around people anymore for any length of time. I find reasons to leave any family event as soon as possible and I don't attend any other events at all. If it involves leaving the house, I have a really hard time doing it. That includes going to the store. I'm thinking that won't get better either.

  I've rearranged the guitars on the wall again. I am selling the last of the guitars (except, of course, the special ones). I added angel wings to Brian's electric guitar...it looks nice.