Holiday Time...Is a Sad, Sad Time

     The holidays are here. Our 6th anniversary was Monday November 25th. Then it was Thanksgiving. Now it's Christmas...Brian's favorite. I never believed that our last anniversary and last Thanksgiving and last Christmas would actually be our very LAST of those. It's so very hard to wrap my head around. We will NEVER have any more memories. I'm trying to honor his memory and his wishes by celebrating those events. I cooked some stuff for Thanksgiving but I'll never have it at our house again. I put up a Christmas tree but I didn't decorate the house. I will eventually go through all the Christmas decorations and only keep the special ones. I'm not finding any joy in this festive season...I'm just trying to survive it.

     I have a journal that I write to Brian in. Like letters...maybe he's just far away on a trip somewhere. I tell him all the important things going on. It helps me.

     I found a little memory frame and cut out his picture from when he performed at the Christmas parade. He wore a Santa hat and a jingle bell necklace everywhere we went during  Christmas. And, of course I had to put garland around his urn. There is still garland in the kitchen and snowflakes hanging from the dining room ceiling that he put up last year. Can't bear to take them down.

I Have No Words

     I haven't been able to write anything regarding the horrible situation I find myself in. Brian fought SO VERY HARD to stay with me and be my love. Unbelievably, on March 22, 2019, on a beautiful Friday morning, my sweet husband breathed his last at 11:00 am. My heart and my mind cannot really comprehend the loss I feel. Brian did absolutely everything to fight this horrific disease. He tried another round of Keytruda but developed pneumonitis almost immediately. So he tried radiation...that was the thing that really made the cancer fight back...but it was the only treatment we could try.  Even with him feeling so very terrible, we went to Florida with brother and sister in law and to Franklin, NC to mine for rubies and sapphires. By Christmas he was on oxygen because the tumor had made his lung collapse. By Valentine's Day he couldn't really do much on his own. By his 61st birthday on March the 5th, he was in Hospice care. I didn't want him to be in the hospital for the end...so I insisted he come home. He stayed alert and talkative until the very end. He knew he was dying and kept a wonderful attitude and worried about everyone but himself. He was surrounded by people who love him...and we loved him right into Heaven. My heart is broken. I don't know how to go on...but I keep waking up every day. I tell him that he'll have to help me get through the day since he woke me up...but I'd rather die with him. My life is over.