Not Cut Out To Be A Blogger I Guess

     How crazy is it that it's July and my last post was in February?? I'm really bad at this. I have a journal that is next to my chair ...I write letters to Brian every few days. I guess that is where my focus has been. This is supposed to be a crafty type blog but I have not felt crafty in so very long. I have scrapbooks to finish...don't wanna. I have regular craft items to make...don't wanna. I have a craft room FULL of supplies and a guest room with a closet overflowing with supplies plus a heat press...don't wanna. I have a garage workshop for my wood/painting/stenciling stuff with all the wood for signs and boards...don't wanna. I have a section of the garage for refinishing furniture (and the furniture)...don't wanna. I'm not sure how to get my wanna back.
     I do have a garden again this year. Not too big but enough that I am able to freeze some veggies for the winter. I don't need much. Plus, I've been sharing with the kids and neighbors. Everybody seems to like fresh grown tomatoes.
     I've been doing a lot with my parents. They are elderly...and Covid-19. I learned how to do peritoneal dialysis for my dad. Really I'm just his backup. I take him to his appointments and I run most of their errands so they don't have to be out. They are both doing well and that is a blessing.
     I had a 62nd birthday party for Brian liked he asked me to. Cake, ice cream, and Glenlivit. We all sang happy birthday to him. It was sad/happy. I turned 60 in June. Went shopping with my oldest daughter and Mom. Sushi for lunch...then a surprise birthday party that they weren't supposed to do. It was all good, though. I have good kids. That's also a blessing.
   

Brian's 62nd Birthday

Lantern I made him for his birthday
(the paper has music notes)

My birthday cake!

Mom trying sushi for the first time!!

Almost Spring

   I am ready for this cold and rainy winter to be over. It snowed today. Craziness. Valentine's Day is behind me. I put artificial flowers in the vase from the roses Brian got for me last Valentine's Day. Not quite the same. My wonderful daughter, Aimee, made sure I had flowers and candy and a card. All the birthdays for February are over and next will be March birthdays. Brian's birthday...March 5th...granddaughter's birthday...March 5th. Also a grandson and niece birthday in March. And then the anniversary of Brian's death on March 22nd. I'm not sure how that will go. Brian asked me to still have a birthday party for him for a while after he was gone...how sad and sweet is that. I promised that he wouldn't be forgotten as long as there was breath in me. His last birthday was so terribly sad because we knew it was his last one...only 61 years old...so very unfair. He couldn't even have candles because of the oxygen he was on...so I used a battery tea light. 

   Some days I think I'm doing ok...most days I know that I'm not. I wonder if it ever gets better. Will there ever be a day that I look forward to getting out of bed. Most nights I dread going to bed because of the nightmares I have of not being able to find Brian anywhere. Everything I do is only because I have to. I have to do the laundry, the dishes, take out the trash, pay the bills, etc. I spend time with Mom and John because they need me to do things for them and take them places. I can't seem to stand being around people anymore for any length of time. I find reasons to leave any family event as soon as possible and I don't attend any other events at all. If it involves leaving the house, I have a really hard time doing it. That includes going to the store. I'm thinking that won't get better either.

  I've rearranged the guitars on the wall again. I am selling the last of the guitars (except, of course, the special ones). I added angel wings to Brian's electric guitar...it looks nice.